suck it, world...

i haven't posted in a while..it's been crazy ever since i lost my car..i don't really have too much time right now..but i just wanted to say...that it seems like, on the most un-opportune days.....when i'm not really expecting anything exciting or vaguely interesting to happen...20 million people come out of the wood works at one time...
and oddly enough..ANY time i'm feeling even the slightest bit of down or depressed about my status of being SINGLE...(or even sometimes in a completely opposite world, like when i'm finally interested in someone) EVERYONE i don't want back in my life...reappears and starts shit again...
like...i think the world hates me or something...
i finally am getting things straight again...
head on the shoulders..
and all that junk
and SMACK!
the world is like

"NO!
SARAH!
life is not meant to be this boring, repetitive and redundant....
SPICE IT UP!
it sounds like you need some DRAMA! again! wooooo...
here you go...
now lets watch her squeal..."

and to that i say...
fuck you world...
well, not really..but you're a little bitch sometimes..
stop messing with my head.

i just realized...

i sound sooo bipolar in my posts on here.
i'm not appologizing though
i'm just saying

..that's just how i am

hah. :D

suummmmmerrrrr please!!!

oh summer...please come soon.

i don't really want to post about my car..all i'll say is it's found..and damaged..and i'm currently driving a pimped out rental.

but this..
this is gonna be a happy post
because i can't even EXPLAIN to you how much i'm looking forward to the summer
like...i love my rain...and the winter..and being all cozy inside..
but this weather...the sun...the green grass..omg i'm dying. i just want it to be here now. some of my most favorite memories happened over the summer. its a time for concerts and the beach...windows rolled down blasting the car stereo...vacations and time off from work...i think it's truly the only time where my soul is set free...i feel like i can do anything during the summer. i'm more creative..and have more energy..i get this drive in me..the passion to do something new and amazing and fun..and liberating..child-like..and free..that i never experience any other time.
i always get this like vision in my head to drive to the middle of nowhere..small town where people all know each other..and life is good..and although i never do it..the fantasy in my head is probably a lot more interesting then it would be if i ever actually did it...
ooo, i can't wait to catch up on some reading..and lay out in the backyard...hit some tennis balls around the court at night..have ping pong tournaments with the family in the backyard...take out some of the puzzles we always work on...eat dinners on the back patio...picnics and barbecues with the family..........
and the best movies always come out during the summer!!! like Up! is coming out soon..and the new Harry Potter is coming out in like July or something...
omg, seriously...i'm dying right now...


dear summer,

please come soon.

<3 always,
your friend, sarah

i have
no words
to explain
this feeling

numb

why?

should have though

you have a brain.

still number

everything numb


it was here....like 12 hours ago....
6 hours ago...
i
have
no
faith
left
for
myself

i need help
i have no one..

whyyyyy

it's a car...
i don't think i comprehend
the severity..
or i do
and all i feeeeeel
is pain
numbnesssss in it place of pain...

i'm past pain. way past pain.

fuck
my



life.


for real.

the release...

there's no better release
than to sit down again
with a great friend

its always as if nothing has ever changed
as if she doesn't live hundreds of miles away now
she is one of my best friends

its good to get rid of some built up angst
no one understands better than she does...
relief and comfort

happiness.

E.E. Cummings

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear

no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

one of my favorite poems...<3
i was reminded of it this evening..it makes me happy to read. :)

nothing new really...

i was tested
a day ago...
i stayed strong
almost buckled
not again
never again

it's like i need someone to hold my hand
and tell me not to give in
why am i so dependent on others?

in other news...NOT relating to a topic i wish to finally be rid of...i'm trying to be more active. kat has me on a routine...its been good so far and although results are not evident -- they never seem to ever be..-- i just feel better about myself.
the last step of this bouncing back to the old, more focused me is getting on top of my homework. and surprisingly so...that's all i've really wanted to do lately....is get caught up.
life's getting good...except for me spending my money today...i felt kinda guilty afterward..but other than that...i'd say things are looking up..and HEY! summer is right around the corner...i start to miss it right about this time of year...
i can't wait for our vacation to eastern canada........its coming quick!!!!

btw, my current top 5 songs being played on my itunes at the moment are::
1) Clair De Lune - The AMP Orchestra (original by Claude DeBussy) ( song from the Twilight soundtrack)
2) Bella's Lullaby - Carter Burwell (also from the Twilight soundtrack)
3) Flightless Bird, American Mouth (need i say it again??)
4) New Strings - Miranda Lambert
5) Dead Flowers - Miranda Lambert (sorry, no link to itunes)

sooooo..sleepy...

it's just ingrained in me...

so tonight, i went out with my aunt (my mom's younger sister and the baby of the four kids, she's also my godmother..and i think we're pretty much the same exact person...cept, she's older than me..)
anyway, so i went out with her and some of her friends from high school that she still talks to and hangs out with pretty regularly. it was a lot of fun..we just had a couple drinks and watched this group of like 3o people all wearing sailor hats that said NKOB (New Kids On the Block) sing karaoke at Acapulco in Santa Clara.

It was really funny...and the collection of people in that group was ridiculously entertaining for a night of karaoke.

We never made it up there to sing...i didn't have nearly as many drinks as it could have possibly taken...but it was a fun night..

but the whole point of this blog i think..is that i just heard a lot about stuff my aunt and mom and them did as teenagers. it sounded like sooo much fun to be a teenager in the 80's.
and i think i've also officially come to the conclusion that some of my "issues" as a person that i've been accused of having...are just naturally ingrained into me.
it's just who i am...
my aunt explained a lot to me tonight that just made complete sense..
first off, there is this thing in our house...we always joke about...
my brother is "god's favorite" as he puts it (and also both my parents angel...he can never do any wrong..ever) and i'm "satan's spawn" (which pretty much means i'm the devil child that always does wrong..AND even when i'm right...i'm wrong...)
but my aunt explained to me..that it was the same way in their household as children the three girls and my uncle..who was apparently (and still quite obviously is, i think) my grandma's (grandparents?) favorite....which just makes me think...
it's exactly the same in our house..and i don't think it's by choice..it's just what my mom was brought up by...and will probably be the same for me when i grow up...(even though i hope it's not....)
it was just funny and eye opening for me to hear all these stories though..and for some reason i was sooo comforted by knowing that maybe my issues are really..just who i am.
i've never wanted or tried to change for anyone but myself.
and i don't plan on it either.
i like the way i am...
i like knowing that my aunt and i are ridiculously similar in our antics and mindset and that there is potential for me to have a great, adventurous, amazing young adult life (whether that includes drinking..or not)...
i just like knowing that maybe..these "issues" i've been told i have..aren't really issues at all..
they're just natural feelings and behaviors...
i don't know.
for some reason...i'm just completely happy right now....and no, i'm not buzzed or drunk...i was home by 11:30 and only had 3 drinks tonight...which were not strong at all..cept my FIRST purple hooter shot.. :D which i'm sure there will be more to come. :D
i'm just happy... i think
for the first time..
in a while....

the storm is over...

we always say "next season"
it's kinda sad..but a lot of my life revolves around the hockey season..which goes for like 7 or 8 months out of the year..preseason to playoffs. which gives me a lot of time to enjoy something i really love watching and being a part of. --i'm such a boy--
we did so well during the year...and now i feel like i officially have nothing to look forward to now that the sharks are out of the playoffs.
i wish i could say more..but it's always too little too late...


i kinda wish it was raining here...
it would make this night a little bit more settling...

a little bit more final for me.

i guess this week has been about finishing things off...closure..
one big giant ball of disasters...coming to an end...
maybe my bad study habits will leave with all of that negativity..
get swept away in some current...that's just finished pouring down on me this week...
i should catch up on homework and classwork..
start picking up the ruble that the tornado of my life over the last four months has blown down...

back to focusing
on what's important
like school
and family
and not doing stupid things on a whim

i've lost touch with all those things recently..
it's funny how quickly they're lost
i was doing sooooo well there for a while
i'm gonna get back to it all...

for now.
sleep.
turning the lights off...no distraction of the television.
just falling asleep to the empty sounds of my room...
and my mind calming after this storm...

i'll be fine.
i'm still alive.

never feels at home

wishes i could finally
feel...
at home.
for once.

i'm in a strangers body
one that inhabited me 5 years ago.
i don't know this person any longer.
she is someone i wish i wasn't.
i hate her.
she is weak..
i killed her tonight
hopefully forever
never to haunt me again.
but i never know
sometimes i am weak..
and her spirit may be stronger than i am currently.
i hope she's not..
i feel her final breaths..
deep within me..
i know she's leaving me..
i will never be weakened again...
or i will rather..
to appologize fore my mistakes..
lord knows i've made many..
who doesn't know i've made many? my brain is weak...my heart is and always has been the same...for reasons i care not to share.
i miss my youth. life was simple. yes or no...
gray area? really? none..
always no...
yes on my terms..and never good terms...careless terms...selfish terms.
i miss..everything.
i wish i were home.
where that is..i have no idea.
i'll find it one day..
not today...



definitely not today.

but one day. i will
feel wanted
by one person.
and they won't burn the paper i write on
for the paper i write on is sacred.
it is my truth
the truth i can't speak.

i've always been to weak..
to speak
therefore my written word is the honest truth..
and you burnt that tonight
you probably won't care what it said.
and i shouldn't either
you've made your decision...
a million times
you've made
your
decision.


and finally.



FINALLY.



i've made mine..

summer please?

i wish i could bottle up this weather...
and no...not save it for a rainy day,
because i absolutely LOVE rainy days...
but i wish i could bottle it up and send it out to sea
or fedex it across the country...
so someone in a completely different place from here could know what this exact...PERFECT (okay, slightly less than perfect --damn sharks) DAY OF WEATHER felt/(still) feels like.
you know, someone in abilene, ks or greenville, rh or milwaukee, wi
it's amazing...
and making me want summer to be here sooo bad......

i love that i'm going to be able to sleep with the window open tonight...i miss them summer nights in sunnyvale, ca.

unfinished thoughts

never ending
balky
useless shit
no sense...no cents
neurons connect
no contact
empty synapse
inconsistent
V= paste?
tangent
orange

i'm going to make a movie. of what my brain is really like. cuz it's totally FAIL.

until then..

i always talk about how i want to be a stronger person...and not physically (although..i want that too)...but right now, i want to be a stronger person mentally.
i want to be a stronger person in ways like::
being better at making smarter decisions (like resisting temptations)..
believing in my gut feeling of what's right and wrong (like not doing something cuz i feel pressured to but because i know that it's wrong)...
being able to take a risk (a good risk...like in my creative life)
follow goals i set...and actually set goals to break
i also want to be able to un-clutter my life..get more organized...

i so lack self confidence and i know it. i'm good a pretending...until you get to know me. then i'm insecure. it's sad when even i know that i am...because then i just know it shows to others.

i've never been bad at making friends...being nice or having great conversations with people. i'm great at cracking a stupid joke and talking in front of people....but not when i know you on a more personal basis then just the standard...which is how i know most people.
acquaintances.
that's all.
that's most...at least.

asd;fkjwe'rewofdl;skgf. ugh....my brain is always on overdrive at night. it's a wonder i get any sleep at all. i toss and turn all night...a worrier. just like my mother and her mother...and her mother before her. i'm doomed.

my thoughts are jumbled.
i fumble
for the words to write
so i say goodnight.
tomorrow will be a better day
to say
what i really feel
and so until
then...goodnight.

she said...

"you'll know when you're ready..."
"i know now though!!! i want it now!!!!" i shouted.
and she replied...so matter of factly...
"no, you'll really know when you want it...you'll do whatever you can to get it."

and then i was left there, unchanged, like i had been so many times before.

"you'll know when you're ready.." she said.
i wish i was ready NOW...

for a friend.

first off...i want to let whomever is reading this know, that this is completely separate from my design blog.
this is me.
in words.
this is what should be written on pages of a notebook or journal but instead will be lost in the world of online shopping, youtube videos, networking, social sites and blogspots...amongst other things.

to start my first blog..& mostly because i'm completely annoyed at the world..again. (what else is new?) i want to say thank you to a friend..that i feel knows me soo well even though they live soo far away from me now..

today was her birthday. she moved away from our bustling town a couple months ago..and it really hasn't hit me how much i've missed her presence until now. i called her today...i was a little nervous to be honest. i wanted our friendship to be exactly how it was a year from today..two years from today..even though it was completely different. as soon as she picked up, it was as if she were just those 10 minutes away from me again. i wished her a happy 21st birthday and talked about how LIVELY my fucked up life has been lately...or how lively it's been since she had left two months ago.

i caught up with her in those 10 minutes before i had to go into work...and got a little choked up just telling her i had to go. i know i can call her anytime...but i also know she'll still be soo far away from me...never where she used to be...when i need her the most.

so, today. i want to say thank you to her, again.
because she's always TRULY been...one of my best friends i've ever had. she has always been so confident in the most humble way. she's one of the most attractive people i've ever met...never had a hard time getting the coolest or hottest guy...and yet, has never once put some random guy or fling in front of me being her friend. some people have a way of making themselves up to be some big person..but she has never once made me feel inferior to call myself her friend. she is always honest...even if it hurt...but she always had a way of telling me that wouldn't hurt me..because i'm easily damaged. she's also always been very protective of me...so much so that she's gotten into a fist fight with a girl at the club for just shoving me. i love her strength and her passion for life and what's right and wrong. i love her will power to be a successful, happy person even after everything she's been through in her life.

i miss her here.

i've always been very dependent on other people...she was always my number one. our friendship has never been one sided though. i knew i could count on her to have my back and i would do the same for her. there was always an unsaid vow we'd taken with each other. there were no titles..no written document. our friendship was...genuine. i could be crazy with her, cry with her, have deep conversations with her, sit in a room..and not say a word..and still feel comfortable with her (which is the true test of any friendship..i think.) and now, i've settled for calling her on her birthday...or posting a generic 'how are you?' greeting on her myspace page...

so here's a very special..i miss you.
this doesn't make up for our lost communication.
this is a realization
for me.
a wake up call
if you will..
to still
know you in the deepest way
like i had.
before you went away.
please,
come home soon..

to my very good friend ninive.
i love you.