i just realized...

i sound sooo bipolar in my posts on here.
i'm not appologizing though
i'm just saying

..that's just how i am

hah. :D

suummmmmerrrrr please!!!

oh summer...please come soon.

i don't really want to post about my car..all i'll say is it's found..and damaged..and i'm currently driving a pimped out rental.

but this..
this is gonna be a happy post
because i can't even EXPLAIN to you how much i'm looking forward to the summer
like...i love my rain...and the winter..and being all cozy inside..
but this weather...the sun...the green grass..omg i'm dying. i just want it to be here now. some of my most favorite memories happened over the summer. its a time for concerts and the beach...windows rolled down blasting the car stereo...vacations and time off from work...i think it's truly the only time where my soul is set free...i feel like i can do anything during the summer. i'm more creative..and have more energy..i get this drive in me..the passion to do something new and amazing and fun..and liberating..child-like..and free..that i never experience any other time.
i always get this like vision in my head to drive to the middle of nowhere..small town where people all know each other..and life is good..and although i never do it..the fantasy in my head is probably a lot more interesting then it would be if i ever actually did it...
ooo, i can't wait to catch up on some reading..and lay out in the backyard...hit some tennis balls around the court at night..have ping pong tournaments with the family in the backyard...take out some of the puzzles we always work on...eat dinners on the back patio...picnics and barbecues with the family..........
and the best movies always come out during the summer!!! like Up! is coming out soon..and the new Harry Potter is coming out in like July or something...
omg, seriously...i'm dying right now...


dear summer,

please come soon.

<3 always,
your friend, sarah

i have
no words
to explain
this feeling

numb

why?

should have though

you have a brain.

still number

everything numb


it was here....like 12 hours ago....
6 hours ago...
i
have
no
faith
left
for
myself

i need help
i have no one..

whyyyyy

it's a car...
i don't think i comprehend
the severity..
or i do
and all i feeeeeel
is pain
numbnesssss in it place of pain...

i'm past pain. way past pain.

fuck
my



life.


for real.

the release...

there's no better release
than to sit down again
with a great friend

its always as if nothing has ever changed
as if she doesn't live hundreds of miles away now
she is one of my best friends

its good to get rid of some built up angst
no one understands better than she does...
relief and comfort

happiness.

E.E. Cummings

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear

no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

one of my favorite poems...<3
i was reminded of it this evening..it makes me happy to read. :)

nothing new really...

i was tested
a day ago...
i stayed strong
almost buckled
not again
never again

it's like i need someone to hold my hand
and tell me not to give in
why am i so dependent on others?

in other news...NOT relating to a topic i wish to finally be rid of...i'm trying to be more active. kat has me on a routine...its been good so far and although results are not evident -- they never seem to ever be..-- i just feel better about myself.
the last step of this bouncing back to the old, more focused me is getting on top of my homework. and surprisingly so...that's all i've really wanted to do lately....is get caught up.
life's getting good...except for me spending my money today...i felt kinda guilty afterward..but other than that...i'd say things are looking up..and HEY! summer is right around the corner...i start to miss it right about this time of year...
i can't wait for our vacation to eastern canada........its coming quick!!!!

btw, my current top 5 songs being played on my itunes at the moment are::
1) Clair De Lune - The AMP Orchestra (original by Claude DeBussy) ( song from the Twilight soundtrack)
2) Bella's Lullaby - Carter Burwell (also from the Twilight soundtrack)
3) Flightless Bird, American Mouth (need i say it again??)
4) New Strings - Miranda Lambert
5) Dead Flowers - Miranda Lambert (sorry, no link to itunes)

sooooo..sleepy...

it's just ingrained in me...

so tonight, i went out with my aunt (my mom's younger sister and the baby of the four kids, she's also my godmother..and i think we're pretty much the same exact person...cept, she's older than me..)
anyway, so i went out with her and some of her friends from high school that she still talks to and hangs out with pretty regularly. it was a lot of fun..we just had a couple drinks and watched this group of like 3o people all wearing sailor hats that said NKOB (New Kids On the Block) sing karaoke at Acapulco in Santa Clara.

It was really funny...and the collection of people in that group was ridiculously entertaining for a night of karaoke.

We never made it up there to sing...i didn't have nearly as many drinks as it could have possibly taken...but it was a fun night..

but the whole point of this blog i think..is that i just heard a lot about stuff my aunt and mom and them did as teenagers. it sounded like sooo much fun to be a teenager in the 80's.
and i think i've also officially come to the conclusion that some of my "issues" as a person that i've been accused of having...are just naturally ingrained into me.
it's just who i am...
my aunt explained a lot to me tonight that just made complete sense..
first off, there is this thing in our house...we always joke about...
my brother is "god's favorite" as he puts it (and also both my parents angel...he can never do any wrong..ever) and i'm "satan's spawn" (which pretty much means i'm the devil child that always does wrong..AND even when i'm right...i'm wrong...)
but my aunt explained to me..that it was the same way in their household as children the three girls and my uncle..who was apparently (and still quite obviously is, i think) my grandma's (grandparents?) favorite....which just makes me think...
it's exactly the same in our house..and i don't think it's by choice..it's just what my mom was brought up by...and will probably be the same for me when i grow up...(even though i hope it's not....)
it was just funny and eye opening for me to hear all these stories though..and for some reason i was sooo comforted by knowing that maybe my issues are really..just who i am.
i've never wanted or tried to change for anyone but myself.
and i don't plan on it either.
i like the way i am...
i like knowing that my aunt and i are ridiculously similar in our antics and mindset and that there is potential for me to have a great, adventurous, amazing young adult life (whether that includes drinking..or not)...
i just like knowing that maybe..these "issues" i've been told i have..aren't really issues at all..
they're just natural feelings and behaviors...
i don't know.
for some reason...i'm just completely happy right now....and no, i'm not buzzed or drunk...i was home by 11:30 and only had 3 drinks tonight...which were not strong at all..cept my FIRST purple hooter shot.. :D which i'm sure there will be more to come. :D
i'm just happy... i think
for the first time..
in a while....