the storm is over...

we always say "next season"
it's kinda sad..but a lot of my life revolves around the hockey season..which goes for like 7 or 8 months out of the year..preseason to playoffs. which gives me a lot of time to enjoy something i really love watching and being a part of. --i'm such a boy--
we did so well during the year...and now i feel like i officially have nothing to look forward to now that the sharks are out of the playoffs.
i wish i could say more..but it's always too little too late...


i kinda wish it was raining here...
it would make this night a little bit more settling...

a little bit more final for me.

i guess this week has been about finishing things off...closure..
one big giant ball of disasters...coming to an end...
maybe my bad study habits will leave with all of that negativity..
get swept away in some current...that's just finished pouring down on me this week...
i should catch up on homework and classwork..
start picking up the ruble that the tornado of my life over the last four months has blown down...

back to focusing
on what's important
like school
and family
and not doing stupid things on a whim

i've lost touch with all those things recently..
it's funny how quickly they're lost
i was doing sooooo well there for a while
i'm gonna get back to it all...

for now.
sleep.
turning the lights off...no distraction of the television.
just falling asleep to the empty sounds of my room...
and my mind calming after this storm...

i'll be fine.
i'm still alive.

never feels at home

wishes i could finally
feel...
at home.
for once.

i'm in a strangers body
one that inhabited me 5 years ago.
i don't know this person any longer.
she is someone i wish i wasn't.
i hate her.
she is weak..
i killed her tonight
hopefully forever
never to haunt me again.
but i never know
sometimes i am weak..
and her spirit may be stronger than i am currently.
i hope she's not..
i feel her final breaths..
deep within me..
i know she's leaving me..
i will never be weakened again...
or i will rather..
to appologize fore my mistakes..
lord knows i've made many..
who doesn't know i've made many? my brain is weak...my heart is and always has been the same...for reasons i care not to share.
i miss my youth. life was simple. yes or no...
gray area? really? none..
always no...
yes on my terms..and never good terms...careless terms...selfish terms.
i miss..everything.
i wish i were home.
where that is..i have no idea.
i'll find it one day..
not today...



definitely not today.

but one day. i will
feel wanted
by one person.
and they won't burn the paper i write on
for the paper i write on is sacred.
it is my truth
the truth i can't speak.

i've always been to weak..
to speak
therefore my written word is the honest truth..
and you burnt that tonight
you probably won't care what it said.
and i shouldn't either
you've made your decision...
a million times
you've made
your
decision.


and finally.



FINALLY.



i've made mine..

summer please?

i wish i could bottle up this weather...
and no...not save it for a rainy day,
because i absolutely LOVE rainy days...
but i wish i could bottle it up and send it out to sea
or fedex it across the country...
so someone in a completely different place from here could know what this exact...PERFECT (okay, slightly less than perfect --damn sharks) DAY OF WEATHER felt/(still) feels like.
you know, someone in abilene, ks or greenville, rh or milwaukee, wi
it's amazing...
and making me want summer to be here sooo bad......

i love that i'm going to be able to sleep with the window open tonight...i miss them summer nights in sunnyvale, ca.

unfinished thoughts

never ending
balky
useless shit
no sense...no cents
neurons connect
no contact
empty synapse
inconsistent
V= paste?
tangent
orange

i'm going to make a movie. of what my brain is really like. cuz it's totally FAIL.

until then..

i always talk about how i want to be a stronger person...and not physically (although..i want that too)...but right now, i want to be a stronger person mentally.
i want to be a stronger person in ways like::
being better at making smarter decisions (like resisting temptations)..
believing in my gut feeling of what's right and wrong (like not doing something cuz i feel pressured to but because i know that it's wrong)...
being able to take a risk (a good risk...like in my creative life)
follow goals i set...and actually set goals to break
i also want to be able to un-clutter my life..get more organized...

i so lack self confidence and i know it. i'm good a pretending...until you get to know me. then i'm insecure. it's sad when even i know that i am...because then i just know it shows to others.

i've never been bad at making friends...being nice or having great conversations with people. i'm great at cracking a stupid joke and talking in front of people....but not when i know you on a more personal basis then just the standard...which is how i know most people.
acquaintances.
that's all.
that's most...at least.

asd;fkjwe'rewofdl;skgf. ugh....my brain is always on overdrive at night. it's a wonder i get any sleep at all. i toss and turn all night...a worrier. just like my mother and her mother...and her mother before her. i'm doomed.

my thoughts are jumbled.
i fumble
for the words to write
so i say goodnight.
tomorrow will be a better day
to say
what i really feel
and so until
then...goodnight.

she said...

"you'll know when you're ready..."
"i know now though!!! i want it now!!!!" i shouted.
and she replied...so matter of factly...
"no, you'll really know when you want it...you'll do whatever you can to get it."

and then i was left there, unchanged, like i had been so many times before.

"you'll know when you're ready.." she said.
i wish i was ready NOW...

for a friend.

first off...i want to let whomever is reading this know, that this is completely separate from my design blog.
this is me.
in words.
this is what should be written on pages of a notebook or journal but instead will be lost in the world of online shopping, youtube videos, networking, social sites and blogspots...amongst other things.

to start my first blog..& mostly because i'm completely annoyed at the world..again. (what else is new?) i want to say thank you to a friend..that i feel knows me soo well even though they live soo far away from me now..

today was her birthday. she moved away from our bustling town a couple months ago..and it really hasn't hit me how much i've missed her presence until now. i called her today...i was a little nervous to be honest. i wanted our friendship to be exactly how it was a year from today..two years from today..even though it was completely different. as soon as she picked up, it was as if she were just those 10 minutes away from me again. i wished her a happy 21st birthday and talked about how LIVELY my fucked up life has been lately...or how lively it's been since she had left two months ago.

i caught up with her in those 10 minutes before i had to go into work...and got a little choked up just telling her i had to go. i know i can call her anytime...but i also know she'll still be soo far away from me...never where she used to be...when i need her the most.

so, today. i want to say thank you to her, again.
because she's always TRULY been...one of my best friends i've ever had. she has always been so confident in the most humble way. she's one of the most attractive people i've ever met...never had a hard time getting the coolest or hottest guy...and yet, has never once put some random guy or fling in front of me being her friend. some people have a way of making themselves up to be some big person..but she has never once made me feel inferior to call myself her friend. she is always honest...even if it hurt...but she always had a way of telling me that wouldn't hurt me..because i'm easily damaged. she's also always been very protective of me...so much so that she's gotten into a fist fight with a girl at the club for just shoving me. i love her strength and her passion for life and what's right and wrong. i love her will power to be a successful, happy person even after everything she's been through in her life.

i miss her here.

i've always been very dependent on other people...she was always my number one. our friendship has never been one sided though. i knew i could count on her to have my back and i would do the same for her. there was always an unsaid vow we'd taken with each other. there were no titles..no written document. our friendship was...genuine. i could be crazy with her, cry with her, have deep conversations with her, sit in a room..and not say a word..and still feel comfortable with her (which is the true test of any friendship..i think.) and now, i've settled for calling her on her birthday...or posting a generic 'how are you?' greeting on her myspace page...

so here's a very special..i miss you.
this doesn't make up for our lost communication.
this is a realization
for me.
a wake up call
if you will..
to still
know you in the deepest way
like i had.
before you went away.
please,
come home soon..

to my very good friend ninive.
i love you.