until then..

i always talk about how i want to be a stronger person...and not physically (although..i want that too)...but right now, i want to be a stronger person mentally.
i want to be a stronger person in ways like::
being better at making smarter decisions (like resisting temptations)..
believing in my gut feeling of what's right and wrong (like not doing something cuz i feel pressured to but because i know that it's wrong)...
being able to take a risk (a good risk...like in my creative life)
follow goals i set...and actually set goals to break
i also want to be able to un-clutter my life..get more organized...

i so lack self confidence and i know it. i'm good a pretending...until you get to know me. then i'm insecure. it's sad when even i know that i am...because then i just know it shows to others.

i've never been bad at making friends...being nice or having great conversations with people. i'm great at cracking a stupid joke and talking in front of people....but not when i know you on a more personal basis then just the standard...which is how i know most people.
acquaintances.
that's all.
that's most...at least.

asd;fkjwe'rewofdl;skgf. ugh....my brain is always on overdrive at night. it's a wonder i get any sleep at all. i toss and turn all night...a worrier. just like my mother and her mother...and her mother before her. i'm doomed.

my thoughts are jumbled.
i fumble
for the words to write
so i say goodnight.
tomorrow will be a better day
to say
what i really feel
and so until
then...goodnight.